If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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