John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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