nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
