THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
3 2 1 whiskey
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
