just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Couch. On fire.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
