Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
