I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
