The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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