I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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