he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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