I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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