Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
