she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
