I heard we made out
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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