I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
