You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
