Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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