he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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