When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
