Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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