My liver just broke up with me...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
