It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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