I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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