I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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