The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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