just tell him i said nine months
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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