u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
