just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
pray to the hookup gods
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
