I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
