Im just a social blackout drinker.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
