I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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