Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
