Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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