Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
