i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
