why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Holy shit dude........stairs
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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