she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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