i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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