...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
