you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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