life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
