Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
