Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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