Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
