drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
