My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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