I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize