I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
