Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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