Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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