there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
