the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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