yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
