His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My dick has a subreddit
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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