if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
