whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
