Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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