So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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