from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
