I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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