PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
