Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
